TPU-SOA Hack Job

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“Jesus Sam, how the hell did you drop an entire server rack through the ceiling?”

“Looks, let’s not focus on that right now. I know I fucked up but I just checked the logs on her desktop and this simple admin unit has to get that TRJ Holdings report on the Boss’s desk by 4 pm. And you know how important that deal is.”

“Shit you’re right. An hour and a half. You’re really testing my skills here Sam.”

Both IT workers stared incredulously at the sparking mess at their feet. Luckily it was still during working hours, as every bot on the floor was programmed to continue working efficiently, only socializing with human coworkers as needed. Otherwise, they would’ve clearly been shocked by the spasming metallic robot with the crumpled pieces of what was once it’s head stuck under a multi-hundred pound server rack.

The automaton’s dull silver breasts spilled out of i’s tight office-standard uniform, knocked loose by the fall from its chair. The lower half rode up revealing the black panties underneath. For whatever reason, Temptress Pleasure Units had managed to include a basic vagina unit, which was more of a glorified fleshlight, with the “Simple Office Automaton” Units. And the price still beat out most models design for integrated and simultaneous mass usage.

Its motors whined and it’s actuators hissed as it jerked erratically on the ground, pinned in place. Sam nudged its neck, seeing just how attached the crushed ‘brain’ was.

“Look, these things are practically open source. Hell, I ran Windows 27, sex edition on my project unit back home.” Winston placed a hand on Sam’s shoulder reassuringly. “Tell you what, I’ll go into the storeroom and get the dolly to move the rack. While I’m there I’ll look for anything that’ll help us. I know the spares weren’t supposed to come in until Friday but hey, you never know. You start removing and salvaging what you can. Deal?”

“Yeah. Thanks man.” Sam shot Winston a smirk, taking a bit of solace in having an ally to help him. Though the anxiety of destroying vital company property just hours before a multi-million dollar deal couldn’t be so easily calmed.

As Winston briskly walked out of sight, Sam grabbed his toolbag off the desk and plopped it down next to the broken machine’s body.

“Sally was it?” His voice cracked a bit due to his nerves. He talked to her in much the same way he would talk to himself, to get his thoughts in order and to comfort in this case. He pulled a pair of wire cutters out, then a screwdriver, then set them both down.

“Crap, where do I even begin? Uhh, I always thought you were hot, how about a drink?” He chuckled to himself. He reached up to the machine’s chest, in between the full breasts, and pressed the power toggle. It immediately caused the headless bot to shut down and go limp, without an audio notification…

Deciding to bite the bullet, he quickly cut the connection wires from the neck and pulled them loose. Everything from the neck down was completely fine, besides guaranteed software errors. Luckily, only the facial mechanics and sensory processors were contained in this model’s head. He carefully reached in with the screwdriver and removed the base of the neck supports. With those removed, it almost appeared as if the head had been intentionally taken off. He grabbed the legs and carefully pulled the body out into the little walkway between the cubicles, causing the outfit to ride up even further.

Just as Sam got it to an acceptable position, her heard the opening door and subsequent rattle of a box of electronics. He recognized the squeaky wheel of the red hand-truck before Winston came around the corner dragging it with one hand. His other hand held a cardboard box with a few parts in it. He had a devious smile across his face.

“Okay so I checked the shipment logs on the PC down there. There should be three shiny new replacement heads coming in tomorrow, and we don’t have to do a maintenance sweep until the day after.” S am’s eyes lit up at Winston’s findings. He let out a visible sigh of relief, letting his friend know he really comforted him.

“Oh thank the heavens. So we just have to find a solution to let her finish the report. Maybe we could rig some direct connection up? Oh like, salvage from another bot?”

“Too much time. And we’d have to note it in the maint logs if we did that. I’ve got a better idea,” Winston practically sang in pure confidence. “This!” He exclaimed as he held up what appeared to be a store room security camera.

“I - huh?“ Sam began, “Wait. Holy hell you’re a genius! Audio and Video? And I’m sure that’ll plug nicely into her neck sockets with a few adapters.” Sam’s excitement was palpable, reinforcing Winston’s smile.

“Yes yes I’m an absolute wizard. But let’s save the praise for later. I’ve got a temporary set of neck actuators for you to work with. I’ll start putting the toy together if you wanna hook her up.”

As Winston began tinkering with the items, Sam pulled out his small laptop and traced the cord from it to the port between the bot’s impractically large breasts.

“Decided to have some fun while I was gone?” Winston prodded, hoping to alleviate some stress, embarrass the other tech, and timing it perfectly while Sam’s hands where on Sally’s breasts.

“I - no I - you know how these work!” Sam stammered before returning his gaze to the laptop screen. He began flipping through the interface, adjusting parameters and putting off non-critical errors in preparation for the hack job. He made sure to delete any immediately incriminating evidence.

After about 15 minutes of tinkering and testing, the two finally attached the optical and audio sensors to the now-working system. The carefully bolted the neck supports into place. While Sam began checking the connections, Winston stuck the dolly under the server rack and began to cart it to the side. Both marveled and chuckled at the mess that was underneath it. It was a pancake of dull silver plating, bright green circuit boards, and black wires. They poked at it for a few seconds and took guesses as to which parts were which.

Satisfied with the testing, both lifted the bot girl into the chair Winston had just procured. They balanced her in a seating position at her desk, taking care to keep the laptop plugged in. They typed the commands on the laptop and crossed their fingers.


      TPU-SOA 117608691 starting up….
      Numerous Errors detected
      Error: Missing Cranial Unit
      Error: Missing Optical Drive
      Error: Missing Optical Processor


Sam canceled the error readout as he really didn’t have time to sit through all 16,000 of them. He force-closed the error management software and hoped she would reboot. It was odd seeing the start-up like this. Both were used to the machine announcing it verbally. But the situation called for the text readout…


      Force Closing Error Management Software
      Please Service Unit As Soon As Possible
      Unit Is Not Functioning Within Programmed Acceptable Boundaries
      Unit Is Not Functioning Within SalesCorp Parameters
      Resuming Function...


The two techs high-fived at the last line. They had never been happier to see those two words. As a litany of errors scrolled past the console due to Sally attempting to speak, Sam quickly digitally muted her, hoping that it would assuage any concerns. Sam did a quick programming pass to ensure she would get the report done on time. He simply changed her current tasks to prioritize it and to disregard all other functionalities including her personality simulation.

A round of cheers was in order after she reached both her hands to the keyboard and began working on the spreadsheets. Sam checked the estimated time: 35 minutes. They’d make it with around 15 minutes to spare. Sam’s freshly-relieved mind thought of ways to expel some negative energy with the window. Though he wouldn’t dare jeopardize the progress that they had just made. As he straightened the bot’s uniform, he began to consider using some of her other functions once she had finished. After all, she’d be getting overhauled anyways…

“Thanks a ton Winston, I don’t think I’d have been able to do it without you.”

“Hey no problem man. But you owe me a round of drinks tonight for this.”

“Hell, I’ll pay for all the drinks in the world after this. Say, I’m thinking of loose ends. Who’s on shift today for maintenance management.”

“Sheri. Why?”

“Think you can work your magic and wizard up her memories to - “

Winston cut Sam off.

“Hack our manager? Ha, sure. We’re already in deep. I’ll make her think it was a freak accident and we were the heroes. Maybe we’ll even get a promotion! What’s your plan.”

“After this macgyver we just did, I’m thinking I need to stay to make sure she gets this report in on time.”

“Gotcha. Good luck bud.” Winston gave Sam a knowing look before heading off.

Sam leaned back against the cubicle wall, watching the machine at work while a tent began to pitch in his pants…


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