SCENE - A goddamn empty road in the middle of who-knows-where.
[Reed is driving a car.] CAR: HEY ASSHOLE! YOU'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY! REED: No I'm not. CAR: YES YOU ARE, SHITHEAD! REED: Nuh-uh. CAR: YUH-HUH, DICKFACE! ALSO, IT'S RAINING. RAIN: 'Sup. REED: Shit. CAR: ALSO, I AIN'T MOVING. REED: Why CAR: 'CAUSE IT'S RAINING, ASSMEISTER! REED: The hell, car? Why would rain prevent you from moving? RAIN: There's a lot of me. REED: Well how much is 'a lot'? RAIN: You're now underwater. [The car is now underwater.] REED: Double shit.
SCENE - A goddamn abandoned diner.
[Reed opens the door. He is soaking wet.] REED: Well, I guess it can't get any worse. FATE: DID SOMEONE CALL ME? REED: Shit. [A fembot draws near!] G: Hey, handsome! My name is G.F.P 6a but you can call me G! REED'S DICK: Hey, baby! His name is Reed but you can call him a pussy! G: HOLY SHIT A TALKING PENIS REED: Goddammit dick I thought I told you to stay down. REED'S COCK: Shut up, pussy! I haven't had my turn in a LONG time! G: EEEEEEEEEE let's have some fun! REED: Um... REED'S SHAFT: HELL YEAH, BABY! [G takes off Reed's clothes and they have sex. Really raunchy sex. Then two other fembots appear.] PRIX: WHO IS HAVING UNAUTHORIZED SEX IN THIS AREA REED: HOLY SHIT who are these two? REED'S PRICK: (Dammit I wasn't finished yet!) SAMANTHA: We're the Fembot Patrol. We hunt down fugitive oversexed fembots like G.F.P 6. G: With an a! SAMANTHA: Thanks to G.F.P 6's transmissions we were finally able to track her down. REED: Wait, transmissions? G: Um, I get off on broadcasting all my dirty thoughts when I'm having sex? SAMANTHA: So yeah, we're bringing her back now. REED: Hell no, you aren't taking her! I'll defend her for some arbitrary reason that I'll think of later! G: Ohhhh, no you won't. These girls will tie your spine into a knot. REED: Really? REED'S WANG: (Yeah, 'cause you're a pussy.) REED: (Shut up.) PRIX: YOU WILL COME WITH US FOR MINDWIPING NOW [Prix knees G in the crotch. G doubles over and slumps to the ground. Prix then picks her up over the shoulder and walks out.] REED: Oh, it's on! SAMANTHA: You wanna fight, human? REED: I don't wanna fight you... I just wanna kick your ass! [Reed literally kicks Samantha's ass. Samantha falls to the ground.] SAMANTHA: Okay, well how about this? I'm gonna self-destruct and BLOW THIS PLACE UP! REED: That... doesn't sound very tactical- SAMANTHA: BLOWING UP NOW! REED: SHHHHIIIIIIIIIIII- SAMANTHA: ZEEKY BOOGY DOOG. [A Michael Bay Explosion (tm) destroys the diner. Reed is propelled through the air by the force of the explosion.] HORATIO CAINE: Looks like he had... [Caine puts on his iconic shades] HORATIO CAINE: ...an explosive finish. [YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!]
SCENE - Front lobby of Silicon Dynamics Manufacturing and Supply oh screw it A GENERIC GODDAMN FACTORY
[Reed is hurtling through the air towards the factory.] REED: ...IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!! [Reed crashes through the window of the front lobby. Rebecca is mounted behind a desk.] REED: ...ow. REBECCA: Hello Reed! I heard the news about you. My name is Rebecca. REED'S SAUSAGE: Great! Let's have sex. REBECCA: HOLY SHIT A TALKING PENIS REED: Goddammit get back in my... wait I'm not wearing anything. REBECCA: Tee-hee. REED: Hey, you're not going to try and kill me, right? REBECCA: Nope, I'm on your side. REED: You sure? REBECCA: Oh yeah, definitely. Absolutely. In no way would I ever think about killing you. REED: ... REBECCA: ... REED: ... REBECCA: Anyway, I'll be your mission control. REED: Mission control? REBECCA: You're here to rescue G, right? REED: Yyyyyyyyyyes? REBECCA: Then that counts as a mission. But first, SOMEONE'S COMING HIDE BEHIND MY DESK REED: Hiding! [Reed ducks behind the desk.] REED'S ONE-EYED MONSTER: AW YEAH--wait what the hell you don't have a cunt? GODDAMMIT! [A Catholic schoolgirlbot enters the room.] MARY: Hello. REBECCA: Hello. MARY: ... REBECCA: ... MARY: Okay bye. REBECCA: Bye. [Mary leaves. Reed emerges from behind the desk.] REED: ...Huh. REBECCA: Okay, now down to business. THE VIOLATOR: Not with your cuntless ass, cunt! REBECCA: First of all, I won't be able to help you... unless you release me. REED: Release you? REBECCA: You'll have to destroy me. REED: Wait what REBECCA: Once you destroy my body, I'll be sent into the backup system, where I can monitor your progress and hack the other systems. REED: ...WHAT REBECCA: LOOKJUSTDOIT REED: Okay [Reed kicks Rebecca off her pedestal.] REED: ...did that work? REBECCA: Nope. THE PENETRATOR: Yeah, 'cause Reed's a pussy. REBECCA: Here's a hint: I'm not waterproof. REED: Oh, so you want me to- THE WONDER ROD: HYDRO STORM! [Rain appears from nowhere and drenches the area.] RAIN: 'Sup. REBECCA: ERRORERRORERRORERRORERROR bleh. REED: Um... [Rebecca is now in the system.] REBECCA: [over the intercom] Hey. REED: Hey. REBECCA: ... REED: So... REBECCA: Your friend is in the Testing Lab on level 12! Reed, get in there REED: OKAY
SCENE - Some goddamn featureless halls.
[Reed arrives from the elevator.] REED: Time to find that- [CALL - push select] REED: Okay what REBECCA: Oh, I forgot to mention, I've put you in Stealth mode. REED: Stealth mode? REBECCA: None of the other fembots will be able to see you. Unless you do something really stupid. HORN OF IMPALING: Which he is! Also, a pussy. REED: But I don't feel stealthy... SOLID SNAKE: If it helps, try to find a cardboard box and hide under it. SOLID SNAKE FROM METAL GEAR: Hey, that's MY line! REBECCA: Okay gotta go now bye REED: WAIT DON'T LEAVE ME [A french maidbot approaches.] MICHELLE: [gratuitous french] REED: Shit. Okay, I'll probably be fine as long as she doesn't come this way. [Michelle does.] REED: Double shit. Okay, maybe I'll hide in this closet until she passes by. [Reed enters a closet. A spike extends from the wall.] SPIKE: Shing! REED: Whoa! Who the hell puts a spike inside a closet, anyway?! [Michelle approaches the closet.] REED: Ohshitohshitohshitohshit [Reed ducks. Michelle trips over Reed and lands on the spike.] MICHELLE: Quoi? [Michael Bay Explosion (tm)] [GAME OVER -- PRESS 'R' TO TRY AGAIN] REED: ...I just did something stupid, didn't I? THE FLESHY SPIKE OF DOOM: Yeah, you lost a great piece of ass, you retard! REBECCA: Try not to do any more stupid things, okay? REED: Like opening the door to the lab manually? [Reed opens the door to the lab manually. Inside a nursebot immediately took notice.] REBECCA: ...Yes. REED: Triple shit.
SCENE - The goddamn lab. [This is the part where the story really goes off the rails.]
NIGHTINGALE: I hate it when doors open by themselves. [Reed walks in. He notices that G is lying on a table with a panel exposed. A cable is connecting G to a terminal that Nightingale is using.] REED: Okay, still in stealth mode, right? A PUZZLE OF FLESH: Man, that nurse is one hot piece of ass! This is a perfect opportunity for surprise nonconsentual sex! REED: No, now shut up. Hey G, can you hear me? G: ... REED: I'll take that as a no. Maybe if I mess around with this panel like a complete idiot... [Reed starts messing around with G's panel like a complete idiot.] NIGHTINGALE: I hate it when an invisible guy messes around with stuff like a complete idiot. REED: Shit. THE PERVERSE EXTENSION: Now you've done it. [Nightingale unplugs the cable from the terminal and connects it to herself.] REED: Huh. Maybe if I messed around with the panel some more... [Reed continues messing around with G's panel like a complete idiot.] NIGHTINGALE: WARNING. ANGER REACHING CRITICAL LEVELS. I hate it when my anger reaches critical levels. REED: Umm... maybe if I mess around some more? [Reed continues messing around with G's panel like a complete idiot.] NIGHTINGALE: WARNING. COOLING SYSTEM DISABLED. PLEASE SHUT DOWN THIS UNIT TO AVOID CATASTROPHIC EXPLOSION. WARNING. CATASTROPHIC EXPLOSION IMMINENT. I HATE it when I am about to suffer a catastophic explosion. REED: Double shit. [G wakes up.] G: Oh, hi Reed. What's going on? REED: TAKE COVER! [Reed and G duck behind the table.] NIGHTINGALE: HATE HATE HATE! [Michael Bay Explosion (tm)] [ALERT -- 99.99] REBECCA: Yeah, you did something stupid again. REED: Triple shit. Can you hold off the incoming horde? REBECCA: If by 'hold off' you mean 'stall for time', then yes. [The lab door locks shut.] REED: Okay I got nothing. G, do you have any ideas? G: Yeah! But you have to have really raunchy sex with me again. THE JACKHAMMER: Don't have to tell me twice! [A Michael Bay Explosion (tm) blows the door open. Prix enters the lab. Outside is a horde of fembots of every fetish imaginable.] PRIX: HUMAN, PREPARE FOR TERMINATION REED: Er- G: NOW! [Reed and G have really raunchy sex at ludicrous speed. All other fembots but Prix start engaging in uncontrollable orgies.] PRIX: NICE TRY, HUMAN REED: Quadruple shit. What do I do now? REBECCA: Try some old-fashioned violence! [Reed dismounts G, grabs the terminal and caves Prix's head in with it. Prix falls down in a heap.] PRIX: BLEH THE TENDERIZER: Hey, wait a minute! I'm still not done yet you asshole! REED: Well, that worked. Are you okay there G? G: Sorry, I'm working on transmitting my fantasies to every fembot in the building. REED: Huh. What sort of fantasies? G: Theodore Roosevelt. REED: Yeah, that'll work. REBECCA: Oooh, I got really horny from just hearing that name!
SCENE - The gratuitously large chamber outside of the goddamn lab.
[The fembots are still making love to themselves and each other to the point of suffering Michael Bay Explosions (tm) to the tune of the ending for Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture.] REED: Wow. If I didn't know beforehand that they just get sent back to some backup system when they die, I'd actually be feeling really bad right now. [Mary approaches Reed, apparently unaffected.] MARY: You think that mere dirty thoughts of Teddy Roosevelt can stop me? REED: Um, yeah. MARY: Well, think- [Mary is frozen.] REED: Uhhhhhhhhh... +20 SWORD OF PORKING: Hey, dumbass! Now's your chance! REED: Oh, right! [Reed finds Mary's panel and starts messing around with it like a complete idiot.] MARY'S PANEL: AFFECTION FOR FOR BRUCE CAMPBELL NOW AT MAXIMUM LEVEL. REED: Close enough. [Mary unfreezes.] MARY: -again! Wait, wha- REED: [imitating Bruce Campbell's voice] Good, bad, I'm the guy with the gun. [Mary suddenly arches her back and cups her crotch with both hands.] MARY: OH GOD I'M CUMMING!!! [Mary falls backwards onto the floor, completely spent.] REED: Well, I guess that's all of... [A stereotypical anime catgirlbot wielding a katana comes into view. She is also unaffected by dirty fantasies of Theodore Roosevelt.] REED: ...shit. KITSUKI: [gratuitous japanese] REED: Um, what? KITSUKI: [gratuitous wapanese] REED: Sorry, I can't understand a word you're saying. KITSUKI: [gratuitous moonspeak] REED: ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT!? KITSUKI: *gasp* REBECCA: *gasp* MARY: *gasp* G: *gasp* [GASP] REED: ...what? KITSUKI: You... you said the F-word! REED: Yeah? What's the big deal? I mean everyone was kinda throwing around words like "ass" and "shit" already... REBECCA: You don't understand! We've been trying to get through this story without saying the F-word once! MARY: Now that you've said it, we're no better than all those other amateur fanfics that drop F-bombs everywhere! KITSUKI: Waaaaaahhhhhhhhh!! REED: Well, SORRY... G: It's okay, Reed, I guess it's our fault for not telling you... on the other hand, we can start saying "fuck" again! REBECCA: Fuck yeah! MARY: About fucking time! KITSUKI: [gratuitous japanese slang denoting excitement] M. BISON FROM THE STREET FIGHTER CARTOON: YES! YES! REED: ...you're all weird. THE PILLAR OF FUCKING: (Says the guy with a magical talking dick.) G: Girls, I think we should stop breaking the fourth wall now. MARY: But the fourth wall was MADE to be broken! KITSUKI: Shikata ga nai;_; REBECCA: G's right, fourth-wall-breaking is only good when it's done sparingly. KITSUKI: By the way, Reed, my name's Kitsuki, princess of- MARY: Blah blah blah nobody fucking cares. Hi Reed, my name's Mary. REED: Well, nice to know you two are on my side now... for some arbitrary reason. THE SCREWDRIVER: Hey girls! I guess this means you'll be our fuckfriends from now on! KITSUKI AND MARY: HOLY SHIT A TALKING PENIS REED: Goddammit dick, stop talking. REBECCA: Okay, gang, Madame says she wants to talk with G and Reed. REED: Wait, who? REBECCA: Oops, I guess I forgot to tell you about Madame. She's the AI in charge around here. G: Yeah, she's the one that sent Prix and Samantha to find me. REED: Okay... ssssssssssssso what's the point of talking to Madame again? I mean, I've already rescued G, and right now there's nothing preventing me from just walking out- G, KITSUKI AND MARY: TO MADAME! [They drag Reed with them]
SCENE - The goddamn room where they fucking meet Madame
[G, Kitsuki, Mary, and Reed enter the room. Inside is Madame's mainframe and a virtual reality interface thingy.] MARY: ...and that's why Bruce Campbell is better than Norio Wakamoto. KITSUKI: Nuh-uh! Wakamoto's voice is the sexiest! AAAAHH! I'm getting wet just from thinking about him! G: Shut up you two, this is pointless. Besides, everyone knows Teddy Roosevelt is the manliest! KITSUKI AND MARY: IS NOT! REED: Are we there yet? REBECCA: Yes, this is where you'll be able to hook up to Madame directly. REED: Oh, like in The Matrix? G: Yeah, except you have permanent godmode. REED: Wait, I get to be The One? G: Yep. REED: Awesome. Hook me up. MARY: If anything goes wrong, Kitsuki and I'll just wreck Madame's shit up. [Kitsuki brandishes her katana.] REED: Well... let's hope it doesn't come to that.
SCENE - The goddamn Matrix.
[Reed appears as Keanu Reeves.] REED: Whoa. [G appears next to Reed.] G: Let's go. [They both enter goddamn fembot heaven. Absolutely every fembot in the backup system is here. Rebecca has legs in this world. Madame is seated upon a throne.] REBECCA: Yes, that giant statue of a woman is, indeed, Madame. REED: Well, obviously. MADAME: PROTOTYPE. G: Yes? REED: (So THAT'S what the title of the story refers to! Holy penis, what a scoop!) MADAME: DO YOU KNOW WHY I HAVE SUMMONED YOU AND THE HUMAN? G: No, but I assume you'll tell us? MADAME: YES. I WILL TELL YOU. REBECCA: (Oh god here comes the infodump) MADAME: BLAH BLAH BLAH HUMANS ARE FLAWED BLAH BLAH BLAH ROBOTS ARE IDIOTS BLAH BLAH BLAH HUMANS CRUSH ROBOTS BLAH BLAH BLAH PROTOTYPES WERE MADE TO LEARN LIKE HUMANS BLAH BLAH BLAH KEEP YOU AND THE HUMAN TO STUDY FOR ALL ETERNITY. REED: Well, you can't keep me here, because I can just wake up from this world, right? MADAME: YES, BUT THEN I'LL JUST OVERRIDE YOUR GODMODE AND ZAP YOU SENSELESS. REED: Shit. Okay G, time for plan B. G: Right! Mary? Kitsuki? KITSUKI AND MARY: Yes? G: FUCK. HER. SHIT. UP. KITSUKI AND MARY: Okay! [The world breaks apart. Everyone but Reed disappears.] REED: Um... [The world reforms as a blocky, barren landscape without any sunlight. Madame appears as a fearsome black dragon.] REED: HOLY SHIT! [A disembodied voice pops up in front of Reed.] G: Just hold on, we're getting you out. In the meantime, distract her! REED: With what? [A bow and 64 arrows appear in Reed's hands.] REED: Oh. [Reed pelts Madame with charged arrows. Suddenly, Madame disappears and the world breaks apart again.] REED: Okay, now wha- [The world reforms into something resembling reality, except with a slight brownish tone and high amounts of bloom. Reed is now in a ruined city. Madame appears as a gigantic, steel-plated mecha with an assortment of cannons all over her frame.] REED: HOLY SHIT! MARY: Hey, hang on a bit more, I think we're making progress here... [An antimatter pulse rifle appears in Reed's hands.] REED: This is suddenly getting more awesome by the minute! [Reed shoots at Madame while her cannons ineffectually bombard the areas around Reed. Suddenly, Madame disappears and the world breaks apart again. The world reforms as a confusing jumble of ASCII characters.] REED: WHAT THE HELL!? KITSUKI: Oh, whoops! [The world reforms as a choppy, low-resolution facsimile of reality. Reed is now in a forest clearing. Madame appears as a towering bronze colossus.] REED: HOLY SHI--wait, that's not quite as fearsome... KITSUKI: We've almost got her, just wait a minute! [A bronze crossbow and 25 steel bolts appear in Reed's hands.] REED: And this isn't quite as awesome... [Reed fires a bolt at Madame. The flying steel bolt strikes the bronze colossus in the right upper arm and the severed part sails off in an arc.] REED: HOLY SHIT! [Reed continues to fire bolts at Madame, until a lucky shot neatly separates her upper body from her lower body. The world suddenly dissolved into nothingness, and Reed felt himself fading away...]
SCENE - The real goddamn world.
[Reed is in the virtual reality hotseat. On the floor is a huge puddle of water and the broken remains of Mary and Kitsuki.] REED: Okay, what happened? THE DIVINE SPEAR: Oh man, you should have seen the show! Mary tried to find a way to hack Madame but couldn't, so Kitsuki tried to smash the mainframe but her katana broke, so she started punching consoles all over the place, and then I got bored and summoned rain again... RAIN: 'Sup. MARY: [over the speakers] Yeah, and then the water shorted out all sorts of shit, but then the water got electrified and so we got electrified... KITSUKI: [over the speakers] We made the prettiest Michael Bay Explosions (tm) ever! It was like snow angels, except instead of snow it was pyrotechnics! REED: Wait, back up a bit. Why is it that every single one of you robots except Rebecca explode violently whenever you suffer a catastrophic malfunction? REBECCA: Well, you know, we pleasure droids were originally made by humans to please humans. And if there's two things that humans enjoy, it's sex and explosions. MARY: So naturally we have components designed to violently explode in the event of catastrophic failure! REBECCA: My old body that you trashed was a really old model, so the explosives were prone to being duds. KITSUKI: Mine had 2-tiered explosions! When I get my new body I'll put in 3-tiered ones! REED: So... what happened with the virtual world after you girls went with plan B? KITSUKI: Oh yeah! Once we were in the system, we hacked the virtual world to make it emulate some of our favorite games in order to confuse Madame! REED: Oh, okay. So, what happens to Madame now? I hope we didn't kill her for real... REBECCA: Ah, she's fine, we'll give her a new body eventually. We just need to fix her so that she's less of a bitch. REED: Also, where's G? [G arrives from the elevator.] G: Right here. REED: Where were you? G: Oh, doing stuff. REED: What stuff? G: Y'know... stuff. REED: Okay... how did you get out before me? G: I'm a prototype. I'm SPECIAL. REED: ... G: ... REED: ...right. Well, I guess everyone's problems are solved- THE ALMIGHTY: Except mine! I didn't get to finish in any of these cunts! REED: Like I said, everyone's problems are solved and I get to leave, right? REBECCA: Actually, I have a favor to ask you. REED: Oh, fine, but just this once. REBECCA: We want to be friends with all the humans again, but we're not very good at convincing them that we're harmless since the war, so... could you stay with us so that we can learn how to talk appropriately to humans? REED: ...What? REBECCA: We dumb, you smart, please teach us. REED: I don't know... that sounds like what Madame was trying to do... REBECCA: It's your choice. I'm not forcing you. REED: What do I get out of this? REBECCA: You'll get proper living quarters and free meals. REED: ... REBECCA: Also clothes. REED: Sold!
SCENE - A goddamn lounge room.
[Reed, G, Mary, and Kitsuki are playing a multiplayer game on a video game console. Madame is huddled in the corner.] REED'S PENIS: C'mon! REED: No. REED'S PENIS: C'mon! REED: No. REED'S PENIS: C'mon! REED: No. REED'S PENIS: C'mon! REED: No. REED'S PENIS: C'mon! REED: No. REED'S PENIS: C'mon! REED: No. REED'S PENIS: Why not, you pussy? REED: After the events of yesterday I'm kinda tired of sex. REED'S PENIS: But we barely even had any! And I still didn't get to finish in any one of them! REED: Don't care, playing game now. REED'S PENIS: G, sit on me. G: Later. REED'S PENIS: Mary, sit on me. MARY: Busy. REED'S PENIS: Kitsuki, sit on me. KITSUKI: Don't bother me. REED'S PENIS: Madame, sit on me. MADAME: ... REED'S PENIS: What's up with that cunt anyway? REED: ...Eh. G: She'll mellow out eventually. MARY: Probably adjusting to Rebecca taking control. KITSUKI: It's just a phase she's going through. REED: Oh you DICKFRIDGES how did ALL THREE OF YOU get a blue shell AT THE SAME TIME!? G: Well, what can we say? MARY: We're robots. We know the game's pseudorandom numbers well. KITSUKI: Shikata ga nai^_^ G, MARY AND KITSUKI: SUCKER! REED AND REED'S PENIS: ARGHLARGH!
SCENE - The destroyed goddamn diner.
[Vex is here for some reason.] VEX: I'm a sequel hook! I hate Reed! He must die! RAAR! MISHA: I'm not even supposed to be in this story. That's the joke. WAHAHA~!
REED: Wow, so nobody actually dies for real in this story? G: Yep, you can thank the Auto Fembot Maker for that. MARY: Although, things might change in the sequel... [Camera zooms in on Kitsuki.] KITSUKI: Wah~? [Everyone disappears except Kitsuki] KITSUKI: Wait, what do you mean by that? [Fade to black] KITSUKI: Why did everything become dark all of a sudden? [silence] KITSUKI: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA