One in a Billion
One in a Billion
I really don’t know where to begin. Where the action starts? Or perhaps when fate decided to shovel shit in my face? Maybe when I realised that the universe is just against me when it comes to electronics? Yes, perhaps I’ll start there.
My first phone had a battery issue from day one. The replacement had several dead pixels and the next replacement nearly exploded in my face.
My first car, engine problems from a month in. “A one in a million” the mechanic told me on my 3rd visit….
How about my first computer? Hard drive and Operating system issues from the get-go.
But none of those were as expensive as the latest ‘fuck you’ from the universe. Advertised as the “Most PerfectTM purchase you’ll ever make. Guaranteed to outlast every other device you own or your money back! A one in a billion chance of you receiving a faulty unit.” One in a billion they said, well as you may have guessed what I experienced was worth more than just my money back.
So, I guess we shall begin where our stories began to quote a rather memorable character. The day I purchased the Western Electronics Sofia Model X. “The pride of our company” the saleswoman said with a rehearsed tone which hindered her attempt to hide her southern accent.
Sure, she was pretty and fit the bill in every respect. Brown hair, brown eyes, pearly whites which could compete with paper, an athletic body which very few people could achieve let alone maintain. Basically, a snapshot of Natalie Portman, working out for the Olympics like a madman. “A personality suited just for you and all this for just $250,000!” she went on, and on and on. Eventually I caved and just went with it, and in hindsight I really should have just let it be. Would have saved me a lot of time and effort.
Chapter 1 – The universe throws me a bone…
The way back was rather peaceful. Having a quarter of a million dollars doll sitting in the passenger seat in silence was a tad unsettling but what can you do? Sitting there in a white bodysuit, a cardboard box with her belongings inside and a standard suitcase in the boot. Maybe I should have just turned her on and had a conversation. But no one can change the past.
Had this been the turn of the decade, many people would have looked on in wonder as I passed them by. And not to just see my mug shot of a face, but to see what complimented that. Now days these machines were commonplace. Granted, you wouldn’t just walk on into any town or suburb and see these expensive things walking around. Most people couldn’t afford them after what the old Government many decades ago did to them. Personally, I quite liked that dude whose name escaped me. He basically had a clone of himself across the pond!
But I digress. As I pulled up into the driveway, I lugged my purchase into the bedroom and its belongings along with it. I opened the box and found a USB drive along with a manual. Skipping the inevitable, I just went straight to the book. We all know that the USB wouldn’t have worked.
So, in good old skim reading style I found the procedure to turn this thing on, and that’s where it started.
Her eyes shot open as she stared straight ahead. “Please wait while your Sofia Model X initiates first time procedures.” Might as well have been the real thing saying those words. For the first time in my life I thought that this could work on the first go.
And just as that thought came about, it crashed dead. “Error in initial procedures, please wait”
So, I got a little bit frustrated. And by a little bit I mean punching a pillow frustration. I swear I wish I lived in a time before electronics. Then maybe I’d still have some thick black hair left. As my fist met the pillow once more, I heard a chime. “First procedures have successfully concluded, loading personality 1.0”
Her eyes quickly darted around the room, looking at everything in a seemingly erratic pattern before locking onto me. Those pearly whites shone through as she extended her right hand. “Hello! I am Sofia, pleased to meet you!”
I paused, looking at that well-crafted hand. Half of me expected that expensive collection of wires and metal to just explode upon contact, with the other half of me supporting the first half. So, I took a leap of faith and took her hand. Much to my surprise, not only did it feel warm and naturally soft, she still worked afterwards.
“Thanks for purchasing me. I hope we can be great friends, partners, lovers, spouses or more! If you’d like, we can settle this now through a basic, 10 minutes set up which I highly recommend!” she chirped as she turned her body to face mine. Naturally, I agreed to this. Wouldn’t want to cause any issues too early on, now would I?
Setting her up as a companion was easy, getting her to a routine wasn’t. The first few days were exciting but rough. There were too many times where she walked around the house in the nude or exercised in the garage at the dead of night. Something about her muscles needing the activity to maintain their form which I found unnecessary. And god damn did she eat like crazy. Easily cleaning out the fridge in a mere weekend.
It was on that weekend, where fate finally caught up.
Chapter 2 – All good things must end
Sunday morning woke up to the fire alarm which was absolutely wonderful. Rushed downstairs to find the kettle in Sofia’s hand as she stood still under the fire alarm. Inside that kettle was burnt toast which was still smoking. And to top it all off, she was in the nude once again.
“Oh, good morning master! I was about to bring you your morning breakfast when this fire alarm went off. I am terribly sorry!” she exclaimed as she placed the kettle on the benchtop and proceeded to reach for the fire alarm. I stood there and watched her for two minutes, try to reach and fail again and again before doing it myself. Once the sirens stopped, the same old voice in my mind returned. The holiday is over.
Sofia just stood there, staring at the kettle as she blinked rapidly. I tried to shake her out of this. “Oh my, I don’t feel… don’t feel… don’t feel… don’t feel well. I need to sit down.”
With my help, she made it to the chair only for her to fall forward instead. The second her body made contact with the ground; I knew it was all over. A flailing mess within seconds before I finally flicked the emergency off switch behind her right ear.
I was on the phone within seconds and boy was I pissed.
“Oh sir, please calm down. This error is known to us but the chances of it occurring are one in a billion. We will send a replacement model within the hour!”
While I waited, I carried the old Sofia to the door and sat her up right. Interestingly enough, there was no outside damage to her at all. Even that fall didn’t cause any marks or bruises. Makes me wonder what exactly went wrong with her.
An hour and a half later, the replacement Sofia arrived. The woman with her took the old Sofia away, barely registering her weight. “A faulty logic chip within her CPU. Extremely rare with our testing standards. Based on the statistics, we would need to ship over a million times more units before this error would arise. I guess you’re just unlucky.” Sure, even the woman with super strength who was probably a robot herself knew the odds. But again, what can you do? This new Sofia was identical to the old one, with maybe an extra inch in height. I didn’t care too much, but this should have been the first red flag.
I tried a different approach with her and made her my lover. Basically, the same as a companion but much more sex and sexual teasing. Never knew that a machine could want sex that badly either. But I wasn’t complaining.
We fucked for hours at first, pushing her to her physical limits and basically not caring if she failed on me. And I’ve got to give it to her, she held up for weeks! No issues with anything and it was just amazing.
By this point, the hot tub I ordered finally arrived after months of postponement. As luck would have it, it worked from the get-go and I enjoyed my very first soak in years all while Sofia worked out in the garage. I started to feel shameful actually, a machine was doing more work than I did in there.
Anyways, an hour later Sofia came outside and dipped her feet into the tub. “Hmmm this is nice. Really relaxed the muscles after a good workout”
We stayed that way for a little while before I felt the need to use the bathroom. As I got out, Sofia got in all the way. “Don’t keep me waiting for too long. I want to fuck you in here!” she cooed. And holy shit that must have been the fastest piss I’ve ever done in my life. But as it would seem, it wasn’t fast enough.
Chapter 3 – And then there were two
I left the bathroom to find Sofia with what I could only assume was masturbating gently. Her mouth was making a big O as her eyes closed by the time, I reached the glass sliding door. And then, I noticed her stop and freeze. I stopped by the door too before I listened to what she had to say. “Battery low, charging mode activated.” She mechanically left the hot tub and proceeded to the power point outside where she removed a small patch of skin behind her left ear, revealing a micro USB port. She unspooled the cable and plugged it into the port just above the power point. “Charging commence, resuming previous functions.”
She immediately relaxed as her left hand returned to her navel. “Sorry babe, but I can’t have sex while I’m like this. But you can still enjoy the show!” She slowly swayed her hips as her fingers penetrated her sleek pussy, moaning ever so softly. In the meantime, I got back into the hot tub and enjoyed the scene to the left of me. It took only a few moments before I realised something wasn’t right.
“Oh, yea baby, I feel so alive. Oh yes! Like a tingle I can’t describe.” Sure enough, that tingle was the water from her long hair dripping into the power point. See, while the power point was waterproof, she wasn’t on her end apparently.
Her fingers sped up as she fingered herself in a more violent way. Before long, her entire fist was pushing the limits of what she had. “Oh fuck… fuck… fuck… ERROR… Errooooo…..” she peacefully shut down before just slumping onto the concrete. Palm in face, I just closed my eyes and screamed internally.
Once again, I was back on the phone. “Yes sir, we understand. We promise you that this will be the last time you will ever call us back!” and she was right. This was the final straw. If the 3rd replacement failed, then I was done.
A few hours passed before the new replacement came, along with the same woman as before. She inspected the old Sofia before carrying her away. “A faulty airtight seal around her charger port. This has a one in a trillion change of happening based on our statistics.”
On the way out, I asked her to stay around for a bit to talk about why this was happening. To be honest, I was more curious to see if she was a machine than anything else. She was by no means a Sofia unit, but curiosity killed the cat.
So, while the new Sofia unit stayed where the other woman left her, by the staircase, we both enjoyed a midnight cup of coffee. Naturally, I asked her if she was a machine.
“Oh yes actually, how could you tell? I am a Megan Model Platinum, the most advanced model we offer. Currently operating flawlessly for a year and a half!” she took a longer sip of her coffee before placing it on the coffee table. She brushed aside a couple of blonde strands of hair before continuing. “This coffee is really nice, but I must be going. I am company property and time is money. Just call my number if you have any further issues, you have it” she winked as she quickly left.
Chapter 4 – A double ending
As Megan left, I headed up to my room to get some sleep in. I wonder how things would have happened had I stayed up. Anyhow, the next morning I found Sofia, standing right where Megan left her. I headed back up to get her remote and power her on, only to find that it didn’t work.
By this point, I was surprised I had any hope left. I was naïve back then I suppose, and just plugged her into the outlet. By the time I ate breakfast and showered, I tried turning her on again to no avail. This was the last straw, and I wanted my money back!
Dialling Megan’s number only went to voicemail. “Hello there, this is Megan and I apologise for not being available to take your call. Please leave a message after the tone.” After a slightly anger fuelled rage where my punching bag became useful, I dressed and dragged that heap of trash to the door. Opening the door, I backed out as I dragged Sofia to the front porch, only to bump into something. Or rather, someone.
Finding my bearings, I turned around to find a female figure standing perfectly still. As I faced her, the universe once again laughed at my face. Megan had stood there, frozen all night.
“One in a billion” was all that plagued my mind as I decided to pack my shit up and move out to the country and get away from technology all together.